Youth Suicide: Need for Greater Intergenerational Awareness

Photo courtesy of The Union Democrat

The recent incidents reported in the Sri Lankan media regarding youth suicides have revealed that the mental and emotional wellbeing of our children is in serious decline.

This a global phenomenon, with adolescents all over the world experiencing high levels of stress. My thoughts expressed in this article are general observations and in no way reflect on any one person, individually. All of us as a community are struggling to understand this situation.

Sri Lanka has specifically experienced several years of societal chaos and the generation growing up in the 80s and 90s have also endured multiple upheavals and crises. Traditional cultural values upheld by our society have stressed the importance of family dignity and respect and recognition; academic success and achievement, awards and certificates and trophies are generally seen as measures of a functional child.

Appearances vs reality

 This focus on appearances is a problem when it comes to dealing with mental health challenges to the point where experiencing difficulties in this area are seen as shameful and embarrassing and a sign of dysfunction, vulnerability and weakness in the family.

Many children and young people today, even those in their late twenties, are in a very vulnerable emotional condition. In their formative years their parents, despite their own best efforts, are often unavoidably physically and emotionally unavailable and the extended family system is not always reliable or trustworthy. Many children in these circumstances have become over-reliant on social media influencers, content creators and peers for understanding and support. Furthermore, they are being told to respect elders and authority figures who themselves fall short of high ethical standards. They see politicians and other public figures being charged with lapses and breaches of conduct, which must make them very confused about what the society around them has valued or allowed.

Parents who are materially successful, especially in the urban setting of Sri Lanka, are often working in competitive, high stress corporate environments. These environments can cause those working in them to develop emotional dysregulation and anger issues, and some vent these by engaging in domestic violence which they attempt to rationalize, and may even develop alcohol and drug abuse problems, which impact their ability to communicate with their children.

Many, whether they recognize it or not, due to the multiple pressures on them are time starved and have gradually outsourced their parenting responsibilities. Some parents even see the children as mere extensions of themselves and not as individuals in their own right. Many unfortunately do not recognize personal boundaries in their relationships and family dynamics, and young people can feel violated or harassed by the insensitivity of those around them and withdraw into themselves.

When their child shows signs of having problems at school or in their friendship groups, many parents do not know how to cope. Hampered by social stigma, they attempt to control the situation by monitoring their children, laying down rules and driving the inner feelings of the children underground. Children also often feel ashamed to present anything less than a perfect picture to parents whom they love and respect greatly. Asking for help is felt by many to be shaming their parents.

Coverup or confront 

In common with many countries adopting the capitalist commercial model of success, in modern Sri Lanka there is a tendency to cover over the problems or medicate them out of visible sight or expression. The frequent biomedicalization of mental health and over medicating by our mental health professionals can be seen in this context.

But medication for depression and anxiety are not sufficient in themselves. For best results, counselling support and therapy are also recommended, in conjunction. It is the self awareness gained from therapeutic engagement and awakening of our consciousness which results in insight into our emotional state. Behavioral adjustments need proactive, conscious participation by the individual. Medication is used to stabilize mood and while it is a necessary first step, it requires less personal investment than a process of therapy and active inquiry into our emotional state.

When the emotions are more regulated, self awareness can begin to develop. This requires parents and teachers being aware of the need for emotional self regulation. Young people today are often unfortunately dismissed or even sneered at for being “sensitive”or “too soft” by society, which is not taking into account the huge toxic effect of social media and the impact of the digital age,with its virtual reality and manipulated presentations, on the children of this era.

Without the vital protective barrier and filter provided by caring and informed adults and caregivers, without the ability to discuss and think through world events and societal issues, with their opinions being taken seriously, children’s minds and imaginations are exposed to, and under siege from, some truly horrific elements in the world today, which even adults find difficult to comprehend and process.

For a child to trust their teachers and parents, there must be a history of communication between the adults and the child. Empathy must be cultivated by caregivers. When a child’s behavior shows what we call “maladjustment” or “problems”, too often the severity, judgmentalism and punitive approach of traditional culture unconsciously comes into effect. Shame, belittlement, comparisons, accusations, scolding and expressions of parental disappointment have a profound effect on young people whose self worth is not yet developed and who are very vulnerable to the opinions of those around them.

The irony of the modern world is that we have the benefit of great technological advances in communication but are we finding time or space to connect in person, face to face, in a way which encourages communicative honesty and openness? The global pandemic and the enforced isolation that it engendered with lockdowns and restrictions and social distancing highlighted the loneliness and emotional isolation that many people felt, and especially those feeling trapped in situations which they felt to be damaging, beset by problems which felt unsolvable.

Retreat or resilience

When we attain a certain number of years of experience in this world, no matter what our circumstances are, we have all survived several instances in which we have failed to get something we wanted or have been disappointed in some way. We have experienced fear and anxiety, and learned how to navigate these. We have been able to build resilience and re-evaluate and deal with more complex realities as we progress.

Young people, with relatively few years and events in their catalogue of life experience, do not have that resilience or the capacity to build momentum and create positive change without assistance. Some try to reach out but if they reach out to unhelpful people or damaging entities, the negative impact these setbacks have on them is felt more sharply because of their comparative inexperience. Cyber bullying, online shaming and harassment are also experiences which come up for many, as they reach out to connect with their peers, in a wish for acceptance and belonging.

Hunger and thirst for popularity, social status, a desirable physical appearance, good academic grades, abilities in sports and other activities, articulacy, the irreplaceable feeling of being understood and validated by their home environment and family members are all factors which converge to create the emotional landscape and infrastructure of any child. Hardly anyone has all the factors perfectly in place. Human life is developmental, and always a work in progress.

Many of the young people who have taken their own lives recently look, in the photographs and tributes shared on social media about them, to have been blessed with beauty, good character, good minds and good hearts, and all that a person could ask for: all the support and encouragement and all the resources that loving parents can give them. The difference between the appearance and how they were feeling within their hearts and minds when they each made their choice not to live is starkly shown by the tragic events we read about in the news.

This opens the issue which many of us are only just realizing now, of the false comparisons encouraged by social media. Inspired by the shiny lure of “Insta fame” and ungrounded by any substantial knowledge or understanding of the world, human nature or themselves, many young people judge their own raw material, of face and figure and personality, against highly artificial constructed entities on Tik Tok and Instagram. It’s a visual culture, which prompts comparison, peer envy and competitiveness. And sadly many feel lost before they start, judging themselves by false standards.

Parents and teachers who create time for their children, who have the energy and emotional bandwidth to listen to them and hear their views of the world are like 24 carat gold. They are investing in their children in a far more substantial way than providing them with schooling and extra activities and material gifts. The inner resources developed through consistently interacting with a caring person whose values are moral and ethical and go deeper than money, pride and status are the real “wealth” that a young person should be able to access all their life.

Shut down, shut up, shut off

Parents and teachers confronted by “difficult” children need to see past the frustrations presented on the surface to the sadness and confusion underneath the outbursts or the silences. Self awareness, self control and sensitivity are needed to really understand, to stand under and provide foundational support for our young people. Currently, many Sri Lankan schools do not have school counsellors or provide classes in emotional self regulation and mental health as part of support for students’ physical and psychological well being. Importantly, do we as a culture see the need for an integrated sense of health and wellbeing, incorporating body, mind and spirit?

The stoicism that many of us were taught would carry us through makes us rigid, and is not the appropriate response to support the younger generation who are navigating the world today. Stiff upper lips and suppression of emotions actually undermine our emotional intelligence and our capacity to endure, putting immense pressure on individuals to present as being fine, when in fact many feel far from comfortable or safe or secure. This younger generation care for the world around them,and are deeply affected by its troubled state. This should be respected in inter-generational conversations.

However, adolescents are not adept at differentiating between real trauma and what feels like trauma. Without discernment they may not be able to form a sense of scale to measure the severity of what they are experiencing nor know how to de-escalate and manage the intensity of their feelings. Every life contains times of stress and struggle and it is unhelpful to not realize and accept the normalcy of some level of difficulty. Parents and teachers have a great responsibility to model this awareness for their children.

Capacity building

This is where trained professional psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors and therapists can provide, model and embody vital resources and capacities for the whole community at this juncture. Their skills and knowledge and expertise are essential to help us understand how to assist and support ourselves and others in situations of crisis, conflict and challenge.

Social media itself can be used to positively promote solutions to this challenge. There are many professionals working in the mental health sector who can make their work more visible to the wider community, via creating websites, Facebook pages, and online groups. The social media platforms X (formerly Twitter), Instagram and Tik Tok, widely used by young people, can be used to share informative content which raises awareness, normalize and de-stigmatize the area of mental health and offer resources such as workshops and forums to support the community and specific platforms, videos and podcasts can be created online to discuss and support mental health.

The existing professional organizations and groups could work more collaboratively to raise awareness of each other’s work as well as their own so that anyone in need knows where to find the support they need.

The more parents and teachers are informed of such resources, the more timely, comprehensive and clearcut support can be provided for our children and young people in their formative years.

With the recent exodus of many healthcare professionals, the onus is on all of us as a community to educate and inform ourselves, encourage young people to develop their capacities for self understanding and to train as psychologists and counsellors. We can help by honoring and supporting everyone who gives mental health and wellbeing the respect and attention they deserve. We can see that many young social media stars are actively using their large Instagram and Tik Tok platforms to share resources, create podcast discussions and mental health circles, aiming to encourage their peers to reach out for the help we all need at times, free of social stigma and to extend compassion to themselves as well as others in an inclusive and respectful way.

The loneliness, isolation and vulnerability experienced by our youth can and must be met with more informed understanding by all of us. Collectively, collaboratively, a greater support structure can be created by our whole community at every level to enable our young people to have confidence in the future and in themselves.

The Sri Lankan National Association of Counsellors (SRILNAC) have recently produced a publication, entitled Youth: A Mindful Journey to identify the issues confronting the young people of Sri Lanka today. It is Tri-lingual and available free of charge.

This article is also published in The Daily Morning newspaper